"So, where are you from?"
Best read in coordination with: “The Professional Hijab”
What does that question really mean?
It can mean a lot of things. “What’s your hometown?” or “Where’d you go to high school?” or “Sweet tea or ‘iced tea with sugar?’”
But coming from some people, it certainly feels like “Oh, you’re brown. What kind?”
There’s a duality to that question that is inescapably strange – at once both uncomfortable and amusing. The duality is something you have to experience to understand, to hear in the tone of voice and the manner of speaking (forced polite interest, instead of rabid eagerness), the look in the eyes (polite but subtly wandering from your hijab back to your eyes). There’s just….something else there, something behind the query.
Am I being racist? Or just paranoid? A little of both, I think. I definitely give a straight answer to brown people more often than I do to white people, because my first instinct is to assume that the latter don’t really want to know what American city I’m from. And I’ve noticed that the older or younger the questioner is, the more likely I am to give a straight answer – it’s middle aged questioners that really bother me (again, only those with the duality in their voice).
But really, I think there is something to it. Some people mean more than just “Where are you from?”
For those “duality” questioners, especially those with a not-so-masked desire to really know what kind of brown I am, the interrogation usually goes like this:
“Oh, well where are you from?”
“Raleigh. Actually, I’m in the borders of Cary, but my street address is in Raleigh. It’s weird.”
“Oh, well were you born in Raleigh?” (now I KNOW what they’re doing).
(laugh) “No.”
“Oh.” (knowing smile) “Well, where were you born?”
(smile) “New York. While my father was getting his PhD from Cornell.”
Spare me the theatrics. I took Drama in 8th grade. I know what you’re doing.
It’s really hilarious when the conversation takes this turn.
“Well, your English is great.”
“Thanks. I’m in law school. They teach us pretty well there.”
Sometimes the convo ends this way:
“No, I mean where are you from?”
“You mean, what’s my heritage?”
“Yes!”
“Oh, my parents are from Pakistan.”
“Oh. Is that next to Palestine?” (seriously. not making this up).
Let it be known – I have no problem at all telling people my ethnicity or cultural background. I always have been, always will be, proud of who I am and where I come from. I wear it on my sleeve….and my skin. (and head, too, but more on that later). But if you really want to know, just ask me straight up. Don’t beat around the bush; it’s patronizing. Stop pretending to be interested in my street address, and just ask me what my heritage is. I’ll tell you, and I’ll be nice about it. I promise.
May 27th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Oh man this happens to me all the time too. Except mine is even weirder since I was born in Utah. So its like “no where were you born?” “oh i was born in Utah” “no where are you from… wait, what? Utah? seriously?”
May 27th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
“Your english is great.” Why do people assume just b/c your brown you’re picked up english along the way or on the life raft?
May 27th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
In the hotel that I was just in in Guatemala the owner was telling a story about how this one girl there told these two British guys, “You speak American great. Where are you from?” Ha ha…
May 27th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
I love the questions, my favorite one is “Do you speak Islamic?” Yes…because its a language.
May 27th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I’ve been getting it since wearing hijab. I’m born in Raleigh, my parents are from Virginia, it doesn’t get interesting at any point in the story.
I think what you mean to say is that you don’t like people assuming that you’re an immigrant, by asking where you’re from instead of asking about your heritage. Seriously, T, how many folks keep the word “heritage” in their daily vernacular?
May 28th, 2009 at 7:46 am
I am rude and short about it. I don’t care. “Florida.” Icy stare.
May 28th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Amy – yes, that’s exactly what i mean! don’t assume i’m “not from around here” and especially don’t tiptoe around the issue. just be straight with me!
May 28th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Natasha – except for that nice old lad at the scholarship lunch, remember her? but it was obvious what she was asking and what she meant, and she was just sweet, and we gave her a straight answer.
May 28th, 2009 at 9:44 am
hah! i’ve been thinking about this recently, as yeseterday I was asked the question twice.
I would say this is also true for anyone who looks “different”, and sometimes especially from people who are from or have roots in other countries (more recently). My family is Lebanese and I am as pale as can be – people have guessed Italian, Greek, “Latina”, Jewish – they just know I look “different”. It seems like everyone wants to know “why do you look different”, perhaps for varying reasons depending on their background – maybe it’s to find a connection, or satisfy curiosity. I haven’t decided yet if it’s something that should annoy me, but I am with you Taiyyaba on the amusement when you know the game they are playing when they ask “where are you from”. Just ask me ‘what’s your background’ and save us all the pain of making me provide (complicated) information you don’t really want to know about.
May 28th, 2009 at 10:33 am
That’s true. She was a nice old lady. I guess I give most of my icy stares to men in sandwich shops. I swear every time I go to Subway or Quizno’s the guy behind the counter asks me “So, where are you from,” and “Florida!” is my best answer. One guy asked me when I was walking in the street, minding my own business. “Florida!” Why do you think you can ask me that, creepy stranger.
White people.
May 29th, 2009 at 8:21 am
LOL @ ameir! i didn’t know
sarah long – seriously! i thought i was the only person who got “you speak american real good!” LOL… that was at a 7-11 in luray, VA, from a very NICE but ignorant cashier.
tibs, back in college hassan once informed someone that “pakistan” was a little spot about 45 minutes outside of chapel hill, or thereabouts… no joke!
*sigh* that was pre-9-11 though…
i usually start out with “north carolina” and drag it out only depending on how insulting the questioner is (unwitting or no). i think i should start saying “scotland,” though, and busting out with some authentic gaelic to convince them. whaddaya think?
May 29th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
I like that Ayesha! Gaelic would confuse the heck out of everyone.
I was standing in line at McDonald once in Charleston, SC with my brother. A person in line asked my brother “where are you from”? My brother said very politely “from here”. The questioner got a bit confused and again asked “no where are you from”. Now those of you who know my brother know well that you don’t ask such things to him. Ofcourse my brother’s reply was the same yet again, “from here” , but I can’t even begin to describe the tone, style, expression, gesture behind that answer of my brother. All what I can say is that the questioner got what he deserved. I have never seen anyone so embaressed, ashamed-looking and as we say in Urdu “Bheegi Billi” (soaking wet cat:) as that questioner looked. I was afraid that he may leave without ordering.
Love you all! You have a long life ahead of you and take it from this “Budha” (old) man! It’s worth living and this country despite such “amusements” is the best there is in this whole wide “worled”.
May 31st, 2009 at 8:31 pm
On a more serious note, I’ve been thinking about your post since I read it because I know that I’m sometimes guilty of using “Where are you from?” when what I really mean is “I’m interested in learning more about your culture.” I know that the times I’ve said this, I’ve never felt like it was quite the “right,” thing to say, but to say something else, like “Can you tell me about your heritage” just seems somehow stilted and awkward. I think a lot of times when people use the “Where are you from?” phrasing, they’re not necessarily doing it out of a desire to be manipulative or because they think they’re going to trick the person they’re asking into telling them information about themselves, but because they think it seems like a more natural (or friendly maybe?) way to ask. But I guess the point is that asking these kinds of questions in a more direct way SHOULDN’T be awkward, at least when motivated by a genuine desire to learn more about each other and not by racism.
And completely unrelated but hope I will get to see some of you this summer in a more fun environment than law school! I’m thinking about trying to get some of us who are working in Raleigh (starting my job tomorrow!) together for dinner sometime soon or maybe having some people over to my apartment so I’ll let you know!
June 29th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Salaams,
Not that I ever have to deal with it, but that question is indeed as ridiculous and irksome as it it is ubiqutious. Another one that my wife discovered to bedevil hijabis on campus (she did research on Muslim women at two US universities) was a seemingly completely innocent one: “Aren’t you hot [from that hijab and all your modest clothing']?” It was fascinating to see how that question could be loaded with all sorts of assumptions.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
well it’s kind of funny when, as a brown person, i cant tell what kind of asian people are. it’s quite a dilemma, since i want to try to practice my chinese now.. ha. it kind of gets awkward when im like “hey.. so where are YOU from” and they get all cold on me and im like “WHOA i am BROWN honey calm down”. so yeah.
personally what bothers me more is the butchering of “Pakistan”. i mean i stubbornly say it right until people get it, and then they go around thinking its really “Bawkistohn”. o_O
July 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Loved this post. This happens to me a lot of times too. “where are you from?” “durham” and then they’ll be like “no i mean where are you *from*?” Its something i think about a lot and it is rather patronizing. It makes me feel like as if I don’t belong here or something because I don’t fit the “look”.
It gets even more interesting b/c my skin is lighter so people assume i’m from a variety of places. I’ve had TWO creepy men at bus stop ssay “are you italian or somethin’?” I kid you not.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I enjoy following up with a “and where about are you from ORIGINALLY?” Fair question i think. If i am expected to keep my heritage in my pocket so should these “real Americans.”
August 30th, 2009 at 8:33 am
to be honest I find myself asking ppl this question.. coz most of the time im curious about their looks.
August 30th, 2009 at 8:35 am
i dont think there is anything wrong with this question…apart from just being paranoid and y shud we be ashamed of our heritage… y are we afraid to tell ppl where we are from.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:03 am
I can so relate! Well, sometimes I would say with a straight face ” I am from East Texas”.